Being Lonely

I had one response back from POPSUGAR about the piece I am presenting today. But it didn't seem to matter how many times I changed things around, they just didn't want it... It's a shame really. I think there are lots of new spouses, and maybe even seasoned spouses, that need to hear this sometimes. There are people out there that have no idea what military families go through, and maybe they need to read this also. Please feel to share as needed.

How I Survive

Someone asked me how my marriage works, as an Army spouse, and I had to think very hard. Our marriage works because I love him, I love our children, I love our country, and I have figured out how to be lonely. I think when a spouse doesn’t, or can’t, figure out how to be lonely, that is when the marriage hurts. It’s not your spouses’ fault he or she has to leave to do “Army Stuff”, but it will be one of your faults if you don’t figure out how to be alone. You don’t need to be full of grace, and patience while alone. You don’t need to be happy while alone. You don’t even have to smile while alone, but you do have to be alone. Alone, and lonely.

When I was newly married into this life, despite having been an Army brat all my life, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I discovered that part of being a military spouse isn’t a list of grand adventures, or the famous people we have met, or seemingly old-fashioned rules we have to follow… rather it is often times a long list of things we do NOT get to do. We do not get to go home for every Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, or any type of holiday one celebrates. We do not get to have our mother’s and sister’s present at the birth of any of our children, and some cases husbands don’t get to be there either. We do not get to hug our parents during the passing of their parents, and sometimes we do not get to be there for the burial of a beloved grandparent.

My experiences as an Army wife are as varied as the days are long. When my husband is home, the usual strange things happen to us… a kid gets a boo-boo, a dog gets sick, or the air conditioning stops working. However, when he is gone for any length of time, all hell breaks loose upon our household. When my husband deployed to Iraq two years ago, our then two-year-old ran into the corner of the entertainment center, fractured his nose, gave himself two black eyes, and a slight concussion. Later that same week, the washer began to leak, and there was a small flood in the laundry room overnight. The week after that, early in the morning a skunk was run over in front of our house, and instead of dying with grace, it drug itself to my driveway before dying - literally drug itself six feet from the scene of the crime to die in my driveway. This all happened in the first month he was gone!  

At the end of all those days, despite having friends to cheer me up and laugh with, I was alone. And lonely. It is isolating, in a way, that loneliness. It isn’t easy to articulate to people that don’t live this life, and while I don’t speak for every spouse out there, we have common themes among us. We all always have the same looming thing on the horizon - The PCS. A Permanent Change of Station is the term for the moves the military has a service member, or sometimes just his/her spouse, complete. P.C.S.’s always seem to happen right when you have found a few friends that really get you… Like, I finally found my mom tribe, one that didn’t begrudge my Diet Coke fueled crafting, and my mouth that swears like a sailor, then suddenly I swear the next day a crew of strangers arrived to pack my life into boxes.

The last move across the country was with three children, two dogs, and my amazing sister-in-law driving the extra car. My husband was in Iraq. A vast open highway sat before me, my friends behind me, and I was the loneliest not alone I had ever felt. A minivan full of kids and dogs, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I sat mile after mile listening to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, reminiscing about the last set of family photos I got to do with my husband before he deployed, and lamenting the fact I never got enough pictures with my friends. I also kept wondering if anyone would even want to be my friend at the new place.    

When we finally arrived in our new town, and I drove by two Targets in route to the new house! I felt tingling’s of hope start to creep in. I noticed things the locals probably take for granted –a fancy cupcake shop that was on Cupcake Wars, green chili on everything for some reason, and hot air balloons happily listing through the morning sky. I cried after the first week of living in the new place, because the moving truck was still not there. I just wanted to get on with things, and start to set up house. And when everything finally did arrive, lots of our stuff was damaged. Such is life.

Our neighbors were nice, if not somewhat bewildered at how I manage this life. People frequently would exclaim at me to “just ask for help” if I needed anything. I always just say thank you, and know I will probably never ask for help… it’s some type of flaw within me. I just do all the things. Everything was good during the days, and then bedtime would arrive.  All my doubts, fears, worries and loneliness would become all consuming. But, really, my time to dwell on those thoughts couldn’t, and can't, last long… tomorrow is always a new day, full of children with curious minds waiting to see just how high the heavy rock in the back yard can be thrown into the sky.     

…..

I have mentioned before that the only thing I have ever been good at is being a mommy. I am an above average wife, and I can usually admit when I am wrong… although, it might take me a couple days to admit this. The life I have built with my husband is actually the life I want. I have very little to no regrets about the choices we have made, the amount of children we have, and the number of dogs that occupy our home with us. This is my life. This is how many military spouses live their lives. My experience is not new or unique, but maybe it’s not talked about as much as it should be. There might be a young spouse out there right now that needs to read this. That needs to know, it is okay.

So, Little Spouse, you are okay. It’s hard, this life. We are nomadic - our tribe is always on the move, and we leave behind our members often. The first time is always the hardest time, and it doesn’t actually get any easier with each new move, but you do learn how to do it better. At your next duty station, try and find that spouse that seems to be able to do it all on his or her own. That is the spouse that, like me, is probably very good at being lonely. It’s not necessarily a skill we can teach you, but it is a skill we can model for you.

Plus, we usually make really good cookies.