Being Lonely

I had one response back from POPSUGAR about the piece I am presenting today. But it didn't seem to matter how many times I changed things around, they just didn't want it... It's a shame really. I think there are lots of new spouses, and maybe even seasoned spouses, that need to hear this sometimes. There are people out there that have no idea what military families go through, and maybe they need to read this also. Please feel to share as needed.

How I Survive

Someone asked me how my marriage works, as an Army spouse, and I had to think very hard. Our marriage works because I love him, I love our children, I love our country, and I have figured out how to be lonely. I think when a spouse doesn’t, or can’t, figure out how to be lonely, that is when the marriage hurts. It’s not your spouses’ fault he or she has to leave to do “Army Stuff”, but it will be one of your faults if you don’t figure out how to be alone. You don’t need to be full of grace, and patience while alone. You don’t need to be happy while alone. You don’t even have to smile while alone, but you do have to be alone. Alone, and lonely.

When I was newly married into this life, despite having been an Army brat all my life, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I discovered that part of being a military spouse isn’t a list of grand adventures, or the famous people we have met, or seemingly old-fashioned rules we have to follow… rather it is often times a long list of things we do NOT get to do. We do not get to go home for every Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, or any type of holiday one celebrates. We do not get to have our mother’s and sister’s present at the birth of any of our children, and some cases husbands don’t get to be there either. We do not get to hug our parents during the passing of their parents, and sometimes we do not get to be there for the burial of a beloved grandparent.

My experiences as an Army wife are as varied as the days are long. When my husband is home, the usual strange things happen to us… a kid gets a boo-boo, a dog gets sick, or the air conditioning stops working. However, when he is gone for any length of time, all hell breaks loose upon our household. When my husband deployed to Iraq two years ago, our then two-year-old ran into the corner of the entertainment center, fractured his nose, gave himself two black eyes, and a slight concussion. Later that same week, the washer began to leak, and there was a small flood in the laundry room overnight. The week after that, early in the morning a skunk was run over in front of our house, and instead of dying with grace, it drug itself to my driveway before dying - literally drug itself six feet from the scene of the crime to die in my driveway. This all happened in the first month he was gone!  

At the end of all those days, despite having friends to cheer me up and laugh with, I was alone. And lonely. It is isolating, in a way, that loneliness. It isn’t easy to articulate to people that don’t live this life, and while I don’t speak for every spouse out there, we have common themes among us. We all always have the same looming thing on the horizon - The PCS. A Permanent Change of Station is the term for the moves the military has a service member, or sometimes just his/her spouse, complete. P.C.S.’s always seem to happen right when you have found a few friends that really get you… Like, I finally found my mom tribe, one that didn’t begrudge my Diet Coke fueled crafting, and my mouth that swears like a sailor, then suddenly I swear the next day a crew of strangers arrived to pack my life into boxes.

The last move across the country was with three children, two dogs, and my amazing sister-in-law driving the extra car. My husband was in Iraq. A vast open highway sat before me, my friends behind me, and I was the loneliest not alone I had ever felt. A minivan full of kids and dogs, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I sat mile after mile listening to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, reminiscing about the last set of family photos I got to do with my husband before he deployed, and lamenting the fact I never got enough pictures with my friends. I also kept wondering if anyone would even want to be my friend at the new place.    

When we finally arrived in our new town, and I drove by two Targets in route to the new house! I felt tingling’s of hope start to creep in. I noticed things the locals probably take for granted –a fancy cupcake shop that was on Cupcake Wars, green chili on everything for some reason, and hot air balloons happily listing through the morning sky. I cried after the first week of living in the new place, because the moving truck was still not there. I just wanted to get on with things, and start to set up house. And when everything finally did arrive, lots of our stuff was damaged. Such is life.

Our neighbors were nice, if not somewhat bewildered at how I manage this life. People frequently would exclaim at me to “just ask for help” if I needed anything. I always just say thank you, and know I will probably never ask for help… it’s some type of flaw within me. I just do all the things. Everything was good during the days, and then bedtime would arrive.  All my doubts, fears, worries and loneliness would become all consuming. But, really, my time to dwell on those thoughts couldn’t, and can't, last long… tomorrow is always a new day, full of children with curious minds waiting to see just how high the heavy rock in the back yard can be thrown into the sky.     

…..

I have mentioned before that the only thing I have ever been good at is being a mommy. I am an above average wife, and I can usually admit when I am wrong… although, it might take me a couple days to admit this. The life I have built with my husband is actually the life I want. I have very little to no regrets about the choices we have made, the amount of children we have, and the number of dogs that occupy our home with us. This is my life. This is how many military spouses live their lives. My experience is not new or unique, but maybe it’s not talked about as much as it should be. There might be a young spouse out there right now that needs to read this. That needs to know, it is okay.

So, Little Spouse, you are okay. It’s hard, this life. We are nomadic - our tribe is always on the move, and we leave behind our members often. The first time is always the hardest time, and it doesn’t actually get any easier with each new move, but you do learn how to do it better. At your next duty station, try and find that spouse that seems to be able to do it all on his or her own. That is the spouse that, like me, is probably very good at being lonely. It’s not necessarily a skill we can teach you, but it is a skill we can model for you.

Plus, we usually make really good cookies. 

Three

Dearest Bubba,

Today you turn three, and I promise to write you a letter every year so we can laugh about all you have done in a twelve month period. Lots of it will be silly, and funny, but sometimes it will be sad and heartfelt. So, here we go, my little dude.

Since turning two, you seemed to take The Terrible Twos as a challenge, and you rose to it magnificently. I cannot begin to explain to you how many times I have told you to stop jumping off the couch, or how much I have shrieked at you to get off the baby because he is NOT a horse. You acquired a love for stuffed puppies, and hard plastic dinosaurs. You fell in love with and out of love with homemade enchiladas quicker than any person I have ever known. Cheddar cheese and Greek yogurt became a staple in your diet, and we were pleased to see you eating everything in sight.

We took you to an Orthopedic doctor about your bowed legs, and he told us to switch your shoes to the wrong feet and it would fix you right up. I thought the man was mad, loony, crazy, but to my chagrin it worked. Your legs straighten out, and you started to fall down less when you ran... You still fall down quite a bit, but I suspect that is because you have the genes of a klutz running strong in you. You have had at least two concussions and very likely fractured your nose, or broke it... The ER visits for you are almost as high as Little Baby.

The biggest change in your life has been that Daddy deployed this year. While you are perhaps our most challenging kid, I suspect Daddy misses you something fierce. You are his miniature, and we both went through such hell to make sure you survived. Watching you say goodbye to Daddy at the airport when he had to leave was heart breaking. For days, you wandered around the house asking "Daddy??" in every room. I am not sure what was more sad, seeing you do that, or one day suddenly realizing you had stopped looking for him. It has taken literal months for you to want to Facetime with Daddy on the tablet, and I know for a fact you want to talk to him, to see him, to hear him.. Today, on your big third birthday, you happily chatted with your Daddy and I think we both wanted to cry with happiness.

Bubba, you are such a tough little guy - so naughty, so smart, so sweet all at the same time. The stubborn soul that carried you through the NICU and helped you survive infancy is the thing we love the most about you. Your sheer will and determination for life is amazing to behold. There is not a single thing you need to change about yourself my love, and I hope you grow up knowing that.

Happy Birthday, Jamie.

You are kind,
You are smart.
You are strong.
You are brave.
You are important.

I love you, always.

One Month Down

As of the 30th of October, we are one month down, eleven to go. The phrase "take a picture, it lasts longer" applies to this life.. So, here is this past month, in review, with pictures.

Here is Bubba after his big crash into the entertainment center... As you can see, he did not care at all, except he did ask "why no lolly?" after we went to the ER. Maybe we go to the ER too much. Also, who looks this good all banged up...?

This is my new gal, Leela. Big Guy was so sweet in encouraging me to get her. Yes, she is a Golden Retriever. Yes, I bought her from a breeder. No, there is probably not a damn thing you can say that will make me feel bad about it - we rescued Egon from the shelter in town, and after Dona Dog... well, I couldn't take the heartbreak of having to put down another of my yellow dogs. Sure, sure. I could have found a rescue, but I didn't. I found a delightful gal who owns the mom and dad, is in the Air Force, and she had two girl puppies left when I found her. I knew Leela was my dog from the moment I saw her - she came right up to me, and hasn't left my side since. She is affectionately called "Pisser", because she pees when she is excited... "happy puddles".

Oh, my Sassy, little girl. I can't believe it - we have a gymnast in our family. Not sure how, or why, that happened, but we are so proud. You can see in the left corner her coach writing something down. This was test day... I didn't know it at the time, and neither did Sass. This was the day she was bumped up from beginner to level two. Next stop is "Hot Shots", or the advanced class, then team. Oooo, then we are talking leotards, and meets, and makeup, and hair... I am excited. And, yeah, if she wants to quit gymnastics, no biggie. We aren't mean!

Have you ever met someone, and knew right away they were for you? Facebook can be such an annoying pit of despair sometimes... It's is very rare to join a "group" and find people you actually like. And then it is even more rare to hang out with those people in real life! I have this fear that when I meet new people, they will immediately see all my flaws and say "No Thanks!" I am a deeply flawed person, but don't hide this from people. This past month, I have had the great pleasure of adding a new little chick to my coop... I seem to accumulate children while Big Guy is gone - I should probably open a daycare. Her momma calls her Beauty, and I will call her momma Lovely. Lovely lets me watch Beauty, and always pays me in the best ways - one time I got a Diet Coke, a handful of cinnamon and brown sugar roasted pumpkin seeds, and a Hershey's bar. Are you jealous? You should be! Beauty is probably the sweetest soul I have ever met, next to Sass. She is beautiful inside and out, and the boys, especially Little Baby, love her dearly. Lovely has become such a dear friend to me, and I honestly don't know what I would do without her, and my other girlfriends around here. They keep me sane when I am feeling like I am loosing my mind...

People. My oven died. And when I say died, I mean the god damn heating element literally melted in half. Like. What? I was without a oven for an entire day... Not too bad really. The guys at our local Lowe's took pity on me, I think, and had my new oven delivered next day. And the dead oven would not have been such a big deal if I hadn't been baking banana bread when it died. Half baked banana bread is the worse.

And finally, I leave you with this. 

Skunk removal consisted of: towel on the head, dish washing gloves, an old outfit, the diaper pail, a can of tomato sauce (duh, that's how you get skunk smell out), a trash bag, and my snow shovel. No. There is no picture of that. And I cannot make this shit up - when I went out there, I could see where it had been hit, then the skunk slime from there to the end of my driveway where it crawled to die.

Life is fun.

......

We aren't sure what I did to the deployment Gods to make them so mad, but it is everyone's firm belief that enough is enough. 

Big Guy is off across the ocean tomorrow - send me good vibes that nothing else breaks while he is gone.. no more road kill... only more happy days spent with good friends and their lovely children.

When He Leaves

There is no other experience quite like a deployment. There is so much paperwork, stress, and tears to be had before it all happens... then your spouse leaves, and the kids are insane, the dogs are insane, and you maybe just want your mommy to come rescue you. But, somehow a new normal happens, and you get on with it all.

In the very short three weeks that Big Guy has been gone, middlest smashed his face into the entertainment center, causing a possible broken nose and a definite concussion. Littlest was stung by a bee, our first bee sting of the family, and was luckily not allergic. Sass graduated from level one in gymnastics, up to level two without even realizing she had been tested. The washing machine has sprung an odd leaks that happens sometimes, and sometimes not. The newest addition, our Golden Retriever puppy, peed on me while laying in bed with me. And I swear to God if one more person comes knocking on our door, during nap time, the house better be on fire, or they better be delivering free case of wine, or be The Rock offering to do topless housecleaning.

.........

I do not handle these kinds of situations with grace. I do not hold on to my dignity, and I am not above bursting into tears in the middle of the Walmart. I stress about money, laundry, house chores, and my own sanity more often than I probably should. I hate when people treat me like I am delicate, and about to break... I just want someone to make me laugh. Unfortunately, the person that makes me laugh the absolute hardest is the person that is gone.

And I suppose that is what hurts the most while Big Guy is deployed... How little I seem to laugh. How little I feel like I smile. It is so quiet with out him, and that's saying a lot considering just how loud or house is... Because, I swear, our kids and dogs can't hear me unless I am screaming at the top of my lungs for them to "please, just come eat your god damn dinner already!!"..



......

Yeah. I miss him. No. It does not go away, or get easier, or any of that rubbish people say. It just sucks the whole time. The. Whole. Time. But, he will come home.. he has to. I told him to, and I am bossy, so I know he will obey me.

Until he comes home, keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Until he comes home, send me chocolate or wine, or just come a visit me, gosh darn it. I will find a space for you to sleep. Until he comes home...